WOW.
after a week, ngayon langulit ako nakapagsulat. the ironic thing about it is...wala akong makuwento.

tama na sigurong sabihin na sadyang napakabusy ko ngayon. sa sobrang dami ng dapat gawin, hindi ko alam kung saan pwedeng magsimula.

kaya ngayon, hindi ko alam kung dapat ba talaga akong ma-excite dahil "sa wakas", nakapagsulat na ulit ako.

kagabi...parang umulan ng pag-ibig. pero hindi sa puso ko.
si Christian at si Arah, muling nagkita sa barko, na parang bagang itinadhana na magkita silang muli. tingnan mo nga naman, kung sino ang ayaw mong maaalala, siya pa ang kauna-unahang taong makikita mo.

kagabi...parang hindi na ganun kasarap ang pagkain sa Max's.
epekto ata ito ng pinag-uusapan namin habang ngumunguya ng liempo.
tingnan mo nga naman si Lord. iba talaga siya kapag kumakatok sa puso.

kagabi rin...muli akong pinalo ng kaniyang salita.
"Be very careful, then, how you live your lives...not as unwise but as wise"-ephesians 5:15
sa sobrang dami ng maling desisyon sa nakaraan, hindi ko na rin alam kung paano ako nakakatayo ngayon sa presensya ng Panginoon. hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay patuloy pa rin niyang pinapadama ang pagmamahal na alam kong hindi ko wala akong kakayahang suklian. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit mas naiiyak pa ako sa scripted na pagmamahalan nina Kristine at Jericho samantalang hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin mataros ang pagmamahal na ibinibigay sa akin ng Panginoon. ni hindi ko nga ito maibahagi sa iba.

of soap operas and Max's...there is no direct correlation between the two. pero sa tuwing iisipin ko ang totoong kaugnayan ng dalawa, i can't help but be amazed dahil ang pagmamahal ng Panginoon, hindi nagbabago.

the date was August 12, 1985
Time: 4:00 in the morning.

that was the first time i saw you. although im not sure because i was so busy crying my heart out because of the new surroundings i was forced into. you looked at me with teary eyes...and then...you held my dainty hand.

i knew.

you don't have to tell it to my face.

it was love at first sight.

there were many misunderstandings, quarrels, not to mention some beatings during the first years of our relationship. but then again, when i look back at those times when you used to spank me with my "best friend". i can't help but smile because those were the times when you show your true love for me, in pain so that i would enjoy the absence of it.

there were also a lot of times when i grieve your strong heart. times when i ignore your silent pleadings. times when i thought i'd be better of myself without you.

i knew.

you don't have to remind me.

i'm still your baby jane. the unconditional love you had for me from the day i was born was not diminished.

this entry is a tribute to the man i first loved (don't get me wrong, my heart still beats for this guy, for me, his the epitome of the man God wants me to marry,hehe).

pa, i love you.

Happy Father's Day.

isang gabi habang inaayos ko ang mga gamit ko sa para iskul kinabukasan, lumapit sa akin ang aking kapatid na lalake.

bro: ate, ate,
ate: bakit? may kasama ka pang hila sa damit ko...
bro: ano ang sinabi ng langgam na ikinamatay ng elepante?
ate: ano? (nangingiti na\, sadya talagang korni ang pamilya namin)
bro: buntis ako...ikaw ang ama.

dahil isa akong ever supportive na nakatatandang kapatid, hagalpak ako sa tawa (in fairness, bumenta talaga siya sa akin)

ate: sige nga, sabihin mo yan kay divine... (FYI: siya po ang aming dakilang kasama sa bahay na sumobra sa kasipagan)
bro: ate divine!!!
divine: o bakit? (kasalukuyang nagtitiklop ng damit)
bro: ano ang sinabi ng langgam na ikinamatay ng elepante?
divine: ano?
bro: buntis ako, ikaw ang ama...
divine: pano nangyari yun?

bwahahaha.
pag sila nga naman ang kasama mo sa bahay.

"He heals the brokenhearted and bind up all wounds"

there's a story to this verse. i'd rather not tell cause it might take me hours to type it. funny though...it would only take you hours to type and finish the whole thing up. but only God can only tell when the time has come to really put the DOT on the whole thing that has happened.

i don't want to lie... and i also don't want to get defensive. it's just that i get tired of explaining myself to people when they tease me about him. mr. dairy creme. i also get tired when they pair me up to the next available chirstian male (passionate in music and books) just to make me, not to mention everyone, laugh.

don't get me wrong, i don't blame them. eversince, there has always been a sign on my forehead saying 'asarin niyo ako'. and to be honest, i enjoy the teasing, especially on some mundane topics like the way i look, the way i smile, not to mention, the way i smell things. (tenkyu Drew). but when it comes to the mr dairy creme part, all my defenses start to pile up in front of my face, all my thoughts start to think of some posibilities to change the topic, and then, my heart starts to skip a beat...again.

maybe because my emotions are so tired of the same thing all over again. and maybe because i still feel something for him...maybe not as before...but still.

something that is enough for me to kneel on my bedroom floor every night, praying for the Lord to strengthen me everytime i feel alone. something that makes me want to abstain from drinking coffee for sometime. something that is enough for me to say that i'm still on the furnace of the Lords stove. something that is enough for me to cling on the Most High trusting Him that there will come a time that He will heal my broken heart and bind up all my wounds.

and i'm full of joy knowing that there will come a time when i can honestly say- "Ok na talaga ako"

hindi ako ayos.
noong Linggo ay hindi ako kumuha ng Lord's Supper.
ewan.
habang nagsasalita si Pastor Rommel, may bumubulong sa aking isipan na hindi ako karapat-dapat na makibahagi ng kaniyang katawan at dugo.

isa akong mapagpanggap na nilalang. hindi ko namamalayan na mas binubusisi ko ang aking panlabas na pakikipagrelasyon sa Panginoon pero sa loob-bulok ako.

at sa pagkakataong ito, narealize kong sa mahabang panahon, nakadepende ako sa aking sariling kakayahan. nakakalimutan kong ang aking Panginoon ay hinihintay lamang ako upang tawagin ko siya. ngunit mas nakatignin ako sa mga walang kwentang mga bagay. kaya ngayon, walang kapayapaan na namamayani sa puso ko.

napakasuperficial ng aking quiet time. marami nga akong alam sa bibliya ngunit ang kaniyang mga salita ay wala naman sa puso. kumakanta ako sa praise and worship ngunit ang aking puso ay malayo naman sa Kaniya...

at muli't muli...ipinapakita niya sa akin na sa aking kahinaan-Siya ang aking magiging kalakasan.

hindi pa rin ako ayos. pero ipinagmamalaki ko ito. dahil sa kabila ng lahat, pinagtatagpi-tagpi pa rin ako ng aking Dakilang Manlilikha ayon sa kaniyang kagustuhan.

these are the times when i think that the Lord is so far from me...and i was wrong.

i refuse to be discouraged, to be sad, or even cry; i refuse to be downhearted, and here's the reason why:
i have God who's mighty,
Who's sovereign and supreme;
i have a God who loves me, and i am on His team.
h is all wise and powerful.
Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable,
My God remains the same.
My God knows all that's happening;
beginning to the end;
His presence is my comfort,
He is my dearest friend.
...

ano ang kaibahan ng seryoso sa hindi seryoso?
malabong tanong...sa totoo lang, naguguluhan pa rin ako. kunsabagay, hindi ko rin naman talaga dapat problemahin...kaya lang.

mahirap naman kasi ng sitwasyon kung iba ang sinasabi ng tao sa ginagawa niya. (diba blue?)

i'm watching a very good movie unfold. but still...the characters do not know they are being casted into one of the most beautiful motion picture ever created. the title? hmmmmm. i'd rather not tell.

there are just some things that would have a been better if left alone.

you will always be...
a special part of me
you will always be...
a special memory

i'll always cherish
wonderful moments you have given me
i'll put together
all of your laughters like a mystery
i'll remember you
wherever i maybe
***
these are the times when i wish i have selective amnesia

me and my mj! 

kagabi...
kinuwento sa akin ng lahat ng mga manang dito sa Tarlac ang lahat ng mga kalandian ko nung high school. nagkaroon kasi ako ng crush dito noon...itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang I (be, mukhang mahilig tayo sa mga initials ha. hehe).

grabe pala ang mga kalokohan ko noon. as in, kaya pala parang ang laki ng ulo niya noong isang buwan...muntik na kasi niya akong ligawan noon...pahiya siya ngayon.

tulad ng sinabi ni blue. hindi season of love ngayon. ewan. siguro dahil ayoko ng mga uri ng feelings na alam kong hindi naman magtatagal.

***
a sunnyblueky entry

may mga bagay lang talaga na parang linta sa katawan...ayaw umalis kahit pinpilit mo nang tanggalin. may mga tao ring nagpupumilit na pumasok sa buhay mo...kahit ilang beses mo na siyang pinapaalis.

ewan...ngayon lang ulit ako nainis ng ganito. bakit ba kasi ayaw niya akong tantanan? hindi ba niya naiintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng salitang NO!? hindi ba niya naiintindihan na WALA na talaga akong nararamdaman ni katiting na pagmamahal para sa kaniya? haaay.

***
a sunnybluesky entry

this is my song for the moment...

How did you know
i needed someone like you in m life?
That there is an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life

###
haaay...
bakit kaya ganun? kapag nakikita ng mga kamag-anak mo na nasa tamang edad ka na...at malapit ng makatapos ay parang given fact na rin na dapat ay may boyfriend ka na? doesn't make sense...does it?

***
a sunnybluesky entry